When someone in the family has a serious illness, everyone is affected. Children may notice changes in routines, emotions, conversations, hospital visits or the way adults behave. Without clear information, they may try to fill in the gaps themselves, which can sometimes be more frightening than the truth.

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Talking openly can help children:

• understand what is happening

• feel included rather than shut out

• ask questions and express worries

• know that their feelings are normal

• feel more secure during a time of change

 

It can also help the wider family talk more honestly about care, wishes, practical arrangements and emotional support.

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Talking to children about serious illness

 

There is no perfect script. What matters most is being calm, honest and age-appropriate.

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You might want to:

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• use simple, direct language

• explain a little at a time

• check what they already know or have noticed

• avoid confusing phrases such as “gone to sleep”

• reassure them that they are not to blame

• let them know who is looking after them

• keep routines as steady as possible

• tell school or nursery so they can offer support

 

Children may ask very direct questions. It is fine to say “I don’t know” if you do not know the answer. It is also fine to come back to a conversation later.

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A helpful way to think about it is that children are building a picture, piece by piece. The more honest information they are given, at the right pace, the clearer and less frightening that picture can become.

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​Helping children feel involved

 

Children do not need to be forced into conversations or visits, but they can often cope better when they are given some choice.

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Depending on the situation, this might include:

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• choosing whether to visit someone in hospital, a hospice or at home

• drawing a picture or writing a card

• choosing a small object, photograph or memory box item

• helping with a simple practical task

• asking questions in their own time

 

Some children will want to be closely involved. Others may need more distance. Both responses can be normal.

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When someone has died

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Children grieve in different ways. They may be upset one moment and playing the next. They may ask the same question several times. They may seem not to react at all at first. This does not mean they have not understood or do not care.

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Try to keep explanations clear and factual. For example:

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“Grandad has died. That means his body has stopped working and he cannot come back.”

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Children may need reassurance about what will happen next, who will look after them, and whether other people they love are also going to die soon.

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Talking as a family

 

Adults also need space to talk. Serious illness and bereavement can affect relationships, roles, routines and responsibilities.

 

Some families find it helpful to talk together about:

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• what the person who is ill wants

• who needs to know what is happening

• how children and young people will be supported

• practical plans and routines

• funeral wishes

• digital accounts, photographs and memories

• support for carers and family members

 

You may also find these pages helpful:

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Planning your care and treatment

For thinking ahead about future care, treatment choices and what matters most.

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Funeral wishes and digital legacy

For recording funeral preferences, important accounts, photographs, messages and online information.

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Caring for someone

For practical and emotional support when you are looking after someone with a serious illness.

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Bereavement Help Point

For help after someone has died, including local and national support.

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When to seek extra help

 

Most children and families can be supported through serious illness and grief with honest conversations, stable routines and trusted adults around them. But extra help may be needed if a child’s behaviour changes significantly, persists, or becomes more worrying over time.

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This might include:

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• ongoing sleep problems or nightmares

• withdrawing from family or friends

• intense anger, anxiety or distress

• problems at school

• physical symptoms with no clear cause

• risky behaviour in older children or teenagers

• repeated guilt or fear that they caused the illness or death

 

A GP, school, hospice team, bereavement service or specialist charity may be able to help.